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BLACK ADDER - MONEY
Money
- [Baldrick comes upon Blackadder in bed with a prostitute.]
- Blackadder: Baldrick, this is Molly, a dear friend of mine.
- Molly: I'm not dear! I'm very reasonable, actually, Baldrick. Most girls would charge an extra sixpence for all the horrid things he wants to do.
- [After Baldrick takes his leave of Blackadder and the sweet-talking Molly…]
- Blackadder: Well, you're a one, aren't you? When you should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like, 'Goodness, something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets!', you don't say a word! But enter the Creature from the Black Latrine, and you won't stop jabbering!
- Molly: He treats me like a human being!
- Blackadder: Look, if I wanted a lecture on the Rights of Man, I would have gone to bed with Martin Luther.
- Percy: A piffling thousand? Pay the man, Edmund, and damn his impudence!
- Blackadder: I haven't got a thousand, dunghead, I've got eighty-five quid in the whole world!
- Percy: Couldn't you just dip into the family fortune?
- Blackadder: There isn't one. My father blew it all on wine, women and amateur dramatics. At the end he was eking out a living doing humourous impressions of Anne of Cleves.
- [Blackadder needs £1,000, or he will be murdered]
- Percy: Do not despair. I have some small savings, carefully harvested from my weekly allowance, set aside against my frail old age. By lucky hap, it is just over a thousand, methinks, and for years has been hidden beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock...
- Blackadder: [Joining Percy as he says it] ...under the squeaky floorboard...
- Baldrick: [Joining Percy and Blackadder]...behind the kitchen dresser.
- Percy: [Trying to act pleasantly surprised] You've seen it?
- Blackadder: Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And the same goes for the two farthings Baldrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy old potato.
- Baldrick: Oh, bloody hell!
- Percy: I intend to discover, this very afternoon, the secret of alchemy. The hidden art of turning base things into… gold.
- Blackadder: I see. And the fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent people since the dawn of time doesn't dampen your spirits?
- Percy: Oh, no. I like a challenge!
- Blackadder: This place smells worse than a pair of armored trousers after the Hundred Year War. Baldrick! Have you been eating dung again?
- Percy: My Lord! I have waited on your return!
- [hugs Blackadder]
- Blackadder: And thank God you did, Percy, for I was just thinking to myself, "My God, I die in 12 hours, what I really need now is a hug from a complete prat."
- Percy: After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold, pure gold.
- Blackadder: Are you sure?
- Percy: Yes, my lord. Behold.
- Blackadder: Percy... it's green.
- Percy: That's right, my lord.
- Blackadder: Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold is gold. That's why it's called gold. What you have discovered, if it has a name, is "green".
- Percy: Oh, Edmund, can it be true, that I hold here in my mortal hand a nugget of purest green?
- Blackadder: Indeed you do, Percy, except, of course, it's not really a nugget, it's more of a splat.
- Percy: Well, yes, a splat today... but tomorrow - who knows, or dares to dream?
- Blackadder: So we three alone in all the world can produce the finest green at will?
- Percy: Just so. [leans in] Not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.
- Blackadder: Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you?
- Percy: Perhaps, my Lord!
- Blackadder: That you, Percy, Lord Percy, are an utter berk.
- Blackadder: Baldrick!
- Baldrick: My lord?
- Blackadder: Pack my bags; I'm going to sell the house.
- Baldrick and Percy: [Shocked] What?
- Blackadder: There's nothing else for it. I mean I shall miss the old place, I know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out. But needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy... just go forth into the street.
- [Edmund shows his place to a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Pants]
- Mrs. Pants: I noticed some dry rot in the bedrooms, Timothy.
- Edmund: Well, Mrs. Pants, dry rot is what dry rot does. [to Mr. Pants] Stop me if I'm getting too technical.
- [Mr. Pants starts to speak, but is interrupted.]
- Mrs. Pants: And the floor seems a little uneven.
- Edmund: Indeed yes, Madam, and at no extra cost!
- Mrs. Pants: There's a rather strange smell...
- Edmund: Yes, that's the servant; he'll be gone.
- Mr. Pants: You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?
- Edmund: No, not really. This is a different thing. It's spontaneous and it's called `wit'.
- Mrs. Pants: What about the privies?
- Edmund: When the master craftsman who created this home was looking at the sewage, he said to himself, "Romeo," -- for 'twas his name -- "Romeo, let's make them functional, and comfortable."
- Mr. Pants: Oh, well, that seems nice, doesn't it, Dear!
- Edmund: I think we understand each other, sir. So it's sold, then. [goes to a pot and pours into a cup] Drink?
- Mrs. Pants: [insistent for a real answer] What about the privies?
- Edmund: [doesn't give away either of the two cups he holds] Well, what we're talking about in, erm, privy terms is the very latest in front-wall, fresh-air orifices, combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation below.
- Mrs. Pants: You mean you crap out of the window.
- Edmund: Yes!
- Mrs. Pants: Well! In that case, we'll definitely take it! [takes a cup from Edmund] I can't stand those dirty indoor things.
- Baldrick: Have you got a plan my lord?
- Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you can brush your teeth with it.
- [threatening Blackadder with a red-hot poker]
- Bishop of Bath and Wells: I shall make your bottom wish it had never been born!
- Bishop of Bath and Wells: You see I am a colossal pervert. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable, or mineral, I'll do anything to anything.
- Blackadder: Ah, fine words for a bishop. Nice to hear the Church speaking out on social issues.
- Bishop of Bath and Wells: Drugged, by God!
- Blackadder: No, by Baldrick actually - but the effect is much the same.
- Bishop of Bath and Wells: You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity… Have you ever considered a career in the church?
- Blackadder: Yes, but I couldn't get used to the underwear.
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